Saturday, April 26, 2014

"Present" Expectations

Sometimes, you just really want to know that you're loved and wanted. Sometimes, you just want to know that this one person would care if you felt like dying. Because no one else truly matters to you. No one else ever has. It's not that you don't care about yourself so much that you need reassurance, but rather that you value what that person does to you more than anything else because she's the only other human being who has gotten close to your most vulnerable state. Sometimes, it's not about being perfect and doing the right thing, but doing that one thing that will tell someone that you are, in fact, as deeply in love and dependent of them as they are of you.
Unfortunately, love is such a cruel little thing. As beautiful and sweet as it is dangerous and fragile. One kiss can both intoxicate and save you. One day can both make the difference, or break you apart. And yet, the most fascinating thing to me is that people live as if one action could never make up for another. As if when you screw up something major you don't try your best to understand what you did and fix it with the best of intentions. You walk away and feel shame for what you've done when really, anyone else in their situation could have done the same as you.
Maybe it's just me ranting at what feels like 2 am, but I honestly hate how someone you love can hate so many things about you and consider you clingy when what you're trying to do is be around them. Make up for lost time. More than anything, I am so exhausted of having to believe in a future. I mean, when is it that my PRESENT will start to be what I'm supposed to "look forward" to? When is it that I'll suddenly stop and think "Gods, THIS is nice!"?
The thing about trying to be patient and giving people space to think when you don't really feel like it is that the feeling of injustice sneaks up on you one day. One day, you look back and you say to yourself ENOUGH. Because you can't handle not knowing what is it that the person is waiting for to show up at your doorsteps with flowers and a warm embrace.... to send you a letter even when you don't have a fixed address but your mom does... to find a way to make something sweet and Romeo and Juliet like, that WILL in fact, make up for everything you've gone through, because it'll prove that they've listened.
I am sick and tired of talking. Words mean so little to me it's amazing, and the more I age, the less I listen to what anyone has to say.
Sometimes, you feel like a big old baby, clingy and annoying and winy, and I wonder if I truly am like that or if that's just what people make me feel like for being myself.

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