I think every time I have started to write a blog, it was thanks to Julie & Julia, the movie. Or maybe because so much seems to happen to motivate me to write one... This time around, I figured I'd try and do something a little different though.
I think my first post will be dedicated to nana. It's funny how some people are just so overwhelmingly sweet and worried about everyone else. I know this post will make little sense to most people but... I wanted the one person whom I know will relate to this, to know that I wish I was there with him.
If only to hold his hand or help him sleep... if only to escape my own thoughts and chains of problems.
Sometimes, I feel incredibly selfish for complaining so much about my life and being so jealous of other people's happiness. Truth is, I have trouble getting past the feeling of being robbed of everything... and more than that, I am afraid to do anything about getting it back.
There are many a day when I feel like a phony or a failure in everyone's eyes... and funny enough, in my own. I guess so much has changed that at some point I have given up trying to keep up with my life. Living day by day just seems like a waste of time and yet, here I am. Blogging at 2 in the morning, watching Julie&julia, worrying about today's outcome and hoping... that somehow I can summon the will to turn my life around.
I don't think I truly knew the sentiment behind those words until I stopped school this semester. To see your future disappear before your mind's eyes is something no one should experience ever. It's like having no purpose in life. Like being no good for anything other than the physiological basics.
In all honesty, I don't know what I want to do as a career and that scares me. .... I wish someone would offer me a job out of nowhere and that I'd do my best and fall right into place with it. But I know that's not how it works. Maybe it's naive and immature of me to hope to be a fashion designer. To have someone somehow see my drawings and send me an email saying "hey, you have a talent and we'd like to use it!". I'd move to NY in a blink of an eye if I could. Or even California. I'd move to Hollywood and become an actress, but even that nowadays feels like trying to hard. These used to be dreams of mine. Dreams I believed with a little hard work I could achieve and be good at. Don't get me wrong, like everything else, I'm not naturally talented at acting. But I think I'd put the effort into it and I'd be good. Really good.
It is hard to dream when you have other people involved in your dreams though.... I think that's why we all end up settling down for more "down to earth" dreams like a family, a home and a stable job. Maybe even a small hobby if we can afford it. ... But that to me doesn't feel like living.
My grandfather on my dad's side used to say that when you're at the bottom of the well you have to other way to escape but up. But my problem is that I'm stuck to the bottom of the well and don't seem to be able to summon the will to climb up the moldy, greasy stones so I can see the Sun shine bright again. .... Knowing my dad, I know that he more than worries that I am not studying. That I do nothing but to lie down, go to dance and watch TV shows online. I know he wishes me well, and I know he's scared too. But somehow he's always hopeful.
... I guess one of the reasons why my dreams seem so far and muddled is because I grew more than a little aware of the world around me. Every time I come up with a plan, I worry that my father will go into the deepest of depressions if I leave.... I worry that my mother will eventually forget she ever had me as a daughter and only focus on my new born sister, which I know is silly, but if you knew the whole story you'd understand.... I worry that I'll never feel as in love with someone after everything that was said and done.... and over all, I worry I'll fail, and I'll have no one by my side to help me up.
I know that sometimes, it is better to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. That builds character. But, at the same time... I don't want to be alone and vulnerable. I don't want to go back into the depths of the stone walls only to have to climb my way out again and again because I didn't have someone to help and believe in me other than myself.
I find it hard to believe that American dreams are built only in beliefs and will. People get somewhere because someone, at some point, picks them up and helps them out just enough to make the difference between the 99c book and the best seller on the first row of every shelf of every book store.
I don't want to spend my life working hard like I see my father every day, and not getting the financial return and recognition I deserve. Life in this planet is about luxuries and I do understand that having them will likely set us both back about ten thousand years on the evolution scale.... However, not having the essentials to be happy is keeping us both from doing anything other than living every day as if tomorrow or next week didn't exist. And not in that "I'll spend all my money and to the Hell with consequences" but rather on the hopeless way I imagine truly miss fortunate people feel when no rain has come down for clean drinkable water and food. When there's no animal to be killed to eat nor any grain or plant to be chewed. Some days, I feel like my emotional state has gotten close to people who have been beaten, rapped, spat on, stepped on, ignored by and all the other things one should never compare themselves to.
I know it isn't fair in any way to say I am unfortunate because I have so much more than many.... but isn't it okay to want something that you feel happy with? Comforted by? Reassured? Isn't it okay for a human, any human, myself included, to just.... be able to dream and reach at least part of those dreams?
I'm mostly sad I seem to have all my dreams repressed in this corner of my mind .... Some times, I'll try and access them, but I haven't been able to.
I guess I just desperately hope that at some point I can not only dream again, but summon the will and courage to get up and pursue them, despite fear or social repression. All I want is to be able to be happy... and then make people happy in return.
I don't think my posts will be frequent, nor that they'll be as long as this one.... but somehow, I feel like I just needed to reach out for that one little extra help. That one tiny boost that could make a difference.