Saturday, May 3, 2014


It was always of my belief that when you have a sibling at a young age you're naturally put aside because babies need an absurd amount of caring. I did, however, also believe that when my parents got divorced I'd get two homes and two of the good things. Funny how you can be so right about one thing and wrong about another. 

Even though I'm quite the old girl I still feel it when my mother, whom I have seen about once every three months in the past two years, has to stay home to take care of a new born baby who can't suggest what he eats. 

In all honestly I very well know that in her eyes I am to take care of myself and that's it. Just like she has taken care of her own life.... But I cannot shake that feeling of abandonment. Not that this is the first time. 

On a side note, moving this week will be a torture I am not looking forward to. Moving with your father is hard nought when you're a girl, but moving with Bert smell town is hard on anybody. I hate to say this, but I really do hate him for it. I don't find it fair that I have to dwell with my problems and he gets to get drunk and sleep after work. It's never going to change, and the more it happens the more I truly feel like jumping off the tenth floor balcony. While I still can. 

People always say that I exaggerate the things I say and do, but I wonder if they had to come home to someone who drinks and farts am burps like a pig every evening while you're trying to sleep, would they react any less than I do?
It's interesting how growing up is a torment when you can't just focus on what normal people do. School, a hobbie, a job. No. I have to worry about a house that I know he won't pay for and we'll get evicted. I get to worry that I have food issues that no body acknowledges even when I have openly spoken about. I get to save money and then have to use it to pay for rent. Rent that according to my father is of my obligation to control because he's too busy working. 

I'm honestly tired of getting this distressed at least once a day. Of having no emotional breaks to deal with my feelings rather than with his shit load of problems. 
Maybe it's selfish of me to want a fathe and mother and to not be treated like I am my own mom and dad. Because I this is what it's supposed to be like, I'm better off away from both of them. If I have to be my own mother and father, thn I don't need someone else to pretend they are and to only speak up when they want to exerce power over someone or something.